Aloofness

How well do we know (or don’t know) ourselves?

I had no idea what the term “aloof” meant until was in my early 30s. It was 1991 and I was working at a very large local health insurance company, going through their Information Systems Specialist Program. I was 33 years old, looking to expand my job and career prospects after a career change from Purchasing in manufacturing at GE.

As part of the year-long training program we did a few “personality” tests – Myers-Briggs and a couple of others. Some of them required a self-test wherein I had to answer questions on a bubble-sheet about how I felt or would respond to various situations. Others, had people I knew – coworkers, peers, friends – answer questions about me, my personality and how I operated in work and social environments.

Perhaps the first one I participated in, had several of my coworkers and friends fill out questionnaires about me and mail them to the company running the assessment. The results were then processed and I (as well as other participants engaging in this process) were presented with a formal printout of the individualized results.

I recall reading through this summary of ‘me’ and being a bit puzzled. One word on the result that described me that I wasn’t familiar with was “aloof.” I also recall me naively raising my hand in a very large banquet room and asking what that term meant. The response was unsettling. I was embarrassed.

I don’t recall the exact response from the facilitator, but this current Google AI summary pretty well hits the nail on the head.

Aloofness is the state of being distant, detached, or reserved in social situations, often perceived as cool, unfriendly, or uninterested. It describes behavior that is withdrawn, standoffish, or emotionally detached from others.

I’m not sure what I expected, but this was eye-opening and depressing. I didn’t want to be aloof. This seemed to be a very negative trait. As a whole the assessment had several positive results for my personality but this single aspect bothered me to no end.

Thinking back, it’s clear now that I was very naive and lacking in self-awareness. My prior background in education and employment was not one where there was any in-depth analysis of self. This was a first for me. Fortunately, it was the first of many such exercises which helped my gain a much better understanding and acceptance of who I am. Over the many years I was in corporate America I participated in several similar type of assessments.

One of the most fun and enlightening was True Colors which I took a couple of times during the 2000s. Strengths Finder was also pretty good. Another one, which wasn’t really a test but more of an awareness thing regarding strengths, was a video series called Trombone Player Wanted.  I took Myers-Briggs twice, separated by about a 15 year span, and interestingly enough it came out ISTJ for me both times.

All those assessments taken over many years helped ground me as to my true self. A personality trait that greatly depressed me early in my life has come to accurately represent one aspect of me – aloof.  I now know and accept that my essence is that of a loner:  no interest in small talk; no interest in most social interactions; no interest in being the life of the party. There are exceptions of course, with the few people I feel close to, but aloofness definitely fits my bill. Without a doubt.   🙂

I know it means I can come across to others as being arrogant, indifferent, uninterested, cold, prickish, a dick. I don’t really care. I no longer apologize for it and no longer feel bad about it – to myself or to others. It’s more about shyness, quietness, and a focus on intellectual and creative pursuits far beyond any social pursuits which have no importance to me. Detached. Remote. Reserved. Withdrawn. That’s me.

I feel fortunate for all those various assessments which lead me to gaining a more thorough understanding of my self.

Carpe diem!