While I cannot disagree with anything noted in that article, I can’t help but wonder – is it possible to outgrow envy altogether? If so, what would it take?
Throughout a large portion of my life I can admit to suffering regularly from envy. In adolescence it was envy of my friends who were social and outgoing enough to win over beautiful girls or to even have the guts to speak to them. I was shy, insecure and intimidated. Or which friends had the hottest, fastest, coolest cars. My family was not wealthy, so I had a $50 car that my dad and I took the time and expense to restore. In my 20s and 30s it was who had better jobs (both income- and status-related). I’m not sure what I expected really. I was a college drop-out who went to night school for ten years to complete an undergraduate degree while working full time. I wasn’t exactly the ‘cream of the crop’ in terms of employer desirability and upward mobility. In my late 30s and through my 40s it was envy of owning a large house in a prestigious neighborhood. Home-a-Rama events drove that envy and desire big time.
But also in my 40s is when I dove deeply into self-discovery. During that time I was also very interested in creating some kind of entrepreneurial business to allow me to escape the grips of corporate employment. In my research and studies I ran into many quotes and writings of people who claimed that money wasn’t really everything. “There’s more to life.” Ha! I had to laugh and brush off those type of sentiments as ‘feel good BS.’ It’s too easy to say that when you’re the one with the money.
However, there was one humble infopreneur (a specific type of entrepreneur who monetizes specialized knowledge by creating and selling how-to information products) who had a quote that stuck with me – – through the rest of my life.
“In the end – – happiness is not in getting what you want but in wanting what you have.” – Jerry Buchanan
Perhaps this was a way to shed envy and experience genuine joy?
But, how to actually get there?
Through the Knowledge Adventuring quest I began in my late 30s and beyond, I ran across many enlightening self-discovery writings – all of which moved me further towards genuine joy, independent thinking and a welcome release from what other people have accomplished, owned, or their implied social status:
- Ayn Rand’s Objectivism (fiction and non-fiction literature) and its later application as described in Frank Wallace’s Neo-Tech literature (individual independence, free-thinking, joy, envy vs. jealousy, value production, beauty, universal morality, self interest)
- The Law of Attraction as described in The Secret and related New Thought Movement texts (appreciation, sincere gratitude, joy, visualization, vision boards, manifestation).
- Free the butterfly. In terms of spousal relationships, my wife and I had a fortunate circumstance with a therapist who focused on the path forward instead of the idiotic psychodynamic therapy. It immediately turned our relationship around and has grounded us in all our days moving forward: Celebrate the things that originally attracted you to each other; those things that you have in common. Create joy and connection there. But don’t expect your partner to embrace all things of interest and passion you hold. Let the butterfly go. Allow your partner to grow and enjoy their areas of life you don’t share. Let each partner flourish – in both joint and disparate interests. When you release a butterfly, you trust that it will go where it needs to go. In love, releasing the need to dictate the other person’s choices allows them to grow as an individual, which in turn strengthens the bond you share.
“You’ve wondered why they suffer, why they seek happiness and never find it. If any man stopped and asked himself whether he’s ever held a truly personal desire, he’d find the answer. He’d see that all his wishes, his efforts, his dreams, his ambitions are motivated by other men. He’s not really struggling even for material wealth, but for the second-hander’s delusion – prestige. A stamp of approval, not his own. He can find no joy in the struggle and no joy when he has succeeded. He can’t say about a single thing: ‘This is what I wanted because I wanted it, not because it made my neighbors gape at me.’ Then he wonders why he’s unhappy. Every form of happiness is private.” – Howard Roark, The Fountainhead
“The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less” – Socrates
Featured image: Google Gemini AI via Nano Bonana 2 with input from Alter AI
